Patrick Christian Barbosa

                                                           Grieving
                                
                              I am running out of words to describe my loss
                               I am running out of strength to restraint my anger
                                I am too weak to hold back my pain, my tears
                                 I am too shattered to hope for comfort
                                 I am just lost for spiritual growth
                                 I am too victimized to believe in After- life
                                 I am just crushed and overwhelmed with my grief
                                 There is no enough word to spell a motherly pain
                                  This is what a cruel grief does to a mother

                                 But I will never be apart with my son's memories
                                  His Earth life is vibrant in my heart and soul
                                  His angelic life is a melody to my ears   
                                   His name is a chanting of my heartbeats
                                   My dreams are the symbols of my son's love 
                                   My prayers for my Angel are our sacred channel
                                   As I wish Patrick a joyful peace and glowing light
                                    Eternally.

                                                                              GISELE G BARBOSA

My Loving son, Patrick
                                      
                             

 

                                    
                                      
Good morning, Patrick

  I am thinking of you with every breath I take... every minute of my agony. My dreams of you tell me that my beloved son wanted to live... to be with his mother. Why did God take you? Please let me know why you left me. I don't get it. You were an angel in Earth. This crooked world needs more angels like you. Why take our angel? I can complain or be angry until I  pass out but it will not bring my son back to me, but what else can I do? I am still that lost sinner, a lost mother who is longing for her son so bad it aches deep into my soul. People say it will get better. How? I am drowning slowly into the darkness of my sorrows with no hope. I am sinking slowly into a quicksand with no strength to pull myself up. I am helpless in here, Patrick. Come to me.

I just received two others of the grieving books I have ordered: We Don't Die, We are not Forgotten." I have been reading so many of those books in addition to reading the bible, praying, etc. I hope it lighten my faith and lessen my anguish of loosing you, and you are very close to me even in in another world. I will let you know of my reading progress. I am going to visit Steve because I need to know how to manage your website and make it very nurturing. I am very unhappy, sad, miserable, and I hope you know that. Rest in peace and stay close to me, so I can also feel my peace. The Bible says that at the end of the world we will see our loved-ones and there will be no more death. I wish it come soon so I can see my son again. It is very selfish of me to have these wishes and thoughts. Again, what else can I do, think, or say? My broken heart  is guiding into my lonesome journey. I love you dearly, internally. I love God, Jesus, and Blessed Mother. Be happy, my son. The light of my undying love will always shine over you. I can sit in front of the computer, cry, talk to you and I will still have more undying love, words, and tears for you... I am helpless, hopeless.

                                
                                          

Hi, Son

You are up there hopefully in peace and happy in your new home while I am down here in this world feeling angry and lost without my son. Is it fair? I am plunging my sorrows  while feeding my helpless mind with lots of information with these reading about, grieving, life and the after-life. I am trying to understand what's happening to me, why, and what's ahead of life and beyond. I am searching for comfort, peace, understanding after my horrid loss. In addition, I am searching for my faith I have lost along my journey in grieving.

Reading these different kind of books about grieving, supposed to give me a comfort that we will meet again, but  all I can feel is my pain and anguish. At the same token, I like to know all and every thing about the after-life and the process of healing my unthinkable loss, unimaginable pain. Patrick, you know I can't cross that path of healing by myself. I need you, God, Jesus, and Blessed Mother to show me the way. I hope that day will come because my life is really miserable and empty.

But sometimes I feel that my pain is a reminder you are still alive and vibrant in my broken heart and you will always be there. If the pain is gone, then what am I going to do with life? I need to feel your closeness constantly and forever. I know I will never forget my loving son... that bond of motherhood never dies.  I really need my Patrick in my life and soul.

When I am reading these  books or articles about grieving and after-life, I feel deeper in my loss, my pain, but I  am still drawn to continue the reading in order to understand my pain, my journey or the journey of these bereaved parents. It makes me scare of my journey... my new helpless world, life. It's a lot to absorb and a lot to take in my broken heart.

As I read these stories after stories about how these bereaved parents survived their loss and how they can bear their loss and pain with new life, I wonder how did it happen. How will I get there? Only time and God can tell. I can only take one moment at the time as I cry and cry with my pain of loosing my great son.  As I always said, I am just a lost sinner in the sorrows of my pain and tears, where my world is spinning with no direction in landing my faith and peace. I don't want to take any medication to heal my broken heart.  For one thing, I never trust these psych medications. For another reason, I don't  want these stupid pills to suppress my emotion. I want to feel you alive in my heart and soul constantly. I have no energy for social life but to feel you. Today I wish I did not work all these overtimes just to pay the bills and spend more quality time with my son... but I had to work those overtimes to survive... to take  care of my family. Life is full of struggle, pain that can crowd a poor mind  for survival instead of spending more time with family. I pray I would be able to spend more quality time with your brothers and nieces because all I can think now is you and my pain. I will cherish all the times, memories I had with you and your brothers. I believe I did the best I could to be a good mother. What do you think? I am very thankful about the precious moment we had spent in your bedroom watching Michael Jackson videos. But it makes me sick to think that it was a farewell to my loving son... three weeks later, you were snatched from my world. I am so mad! It's so unfair and just a cruel joke! I am still grateful and thankful for that beautiful day with my loving son..

 All right Patrick, I am going out for some errands and I will see you at the cemetery later on. I love you and miss you so much.

                                                                                        

Hi, Patrick

 I have been browsing the internet over and over to find some tutoring how to customize or manage a website; unfortunately, no luck so far. I want you to have a beautiful website, so I will keep trying to learn on my own. This is what you get when you are computer illiterate. I am not quitting until I give you a great gift of heavenly mother. Gosh, I miss you Patrick. You have no idea what you have done to my poor heart, soul, and life. I am just helpless in this world. All right, my love, good night. See you in my dreams. Love you internally. Watch over your brothers and comfort them. They need you more than ever. Please don't quit on them when you see them trip over. Boys will always be boys but you already know that. Good night again. May the Angels always your best mates.

 MAY YOUR LIGHT SHINES FOREVER!!! I LOVE YOU,  MY BEAUTIFUL ANGEL.

                            
                            

Hi, Patrick

How are you doing in Heaven? I know God is taking care of my loving son very well.  He wanted you among His Angels, so He took you away from me. I am trying very hard not to be angry at Him because I want to believe that He had a reason to call you in His Holy home and leave me empty. Now He has to take care both of us... I know He will. I am hurt and very much alone without you. I can't wait for my son to have his headstone, but it will never be a symbol for a closure that you are really gone from me. You are always alive in my heart. As they said, you are just in the next room waiting for my time. They should put the foundation this week. I don't like to see your resting place with no definition... it's depressing.

I was browsing the internet, so I picked a few things that you loved: Some of Michael Jackson videos from You tube and also the dance revolution game you have always loved and played for the longest time. In addition to the list, I got you some pilgrim videos. You can watch them with God, Jesus, and Blessed Mother. I hope you will enjoy them when any body tries to play them. See you  around. Love always, Mom.

                                    

Hello, Patrick

 I forgot to tell you earlier I received Michael Jackson's picture that I have ordered last week. It's a big picture and I framed and put it right at your headboard among your pictures. Now your are with Michael in Heaven as well as in your bedroom. Your bedroom has a lot of  pictures of you and your family... it's lovely atmosphere. I am sure you already know that. Drop in anytime you want to feel our presence. I hope it's ever day. We all miss you very much, and I am yearning for my son's presence. May God protect you with all His love in addition to my undying love that I am sending every time I take a breath. It's so amazing how God puts  that imaginable love in a mother's womb the moment a child is conceived, and that incredible love is nurtured forever even death can't break it.

TOGETHER FOREVER MY SON.  I LOVE YOU.

                            
                                   


Hi, Patrick

I miss you, Son, but as long you are alive in my heart, soul, and life, I will be all right. I am putting up a paragraph, I read in one of the grieving books ,I have been reading lately. The author said that our loved ones who have gone to God, are not here in this Earth physically, but they always will be here in spirit. I believe this great gift from God, but I still missed you and wanted you with me. God is our creator, He gave me my sons as gifts of motherhood and now He received one of His gifts back... He will now help me heal and will give me the courage and strength to find peace of loosing my precious gift of love.
 Anyway, I love this paragraph of eternal bond, and I hope you will, too. I will always feel you around until we meet. So here is the beauty of eternal love:

        "Death is nothing at all. I have only slipped away the next room. I am I, and
         you are you. Whatever we were to each other, we still are. Call me by my
         old familiar name, speak to me in the easy way which you always used.
          Put no difference in your tone, wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.
           Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes we enjoyed together.
           Pray, smile, think of me, pray for me.
           Let my name be ever the household word that it always was, let it be
           spoken without effect, without the trace of shadow on it.
           Life means all that it ever meant. It is the same as it ever was; there is
           unbroken continuity. Why should I be out of mind because I am out of
           sight? I am waiting for you, for an interval, somewhere very near, just
           around the corner. All is well."

                   HENRY SCOTT HOLLAND ( 1847-1918), canon of St. Paul's
                   Cathedral, London

 There it is, Son! Henry Scott Holland is right. my son, you always will be in my heart, soul and every fiber of my being. Patrick, please stay by my side forever. I am your mother and you are my dear son. God will not break that sacred bond that He had created for us... and all the mothers and their children in this Earth. See you around. I LOVE YOU and MISS YOU. Keep watching over your brothers, my sweet Angel.

MAY ALL THE PARENTS FEEL THEIR LOVED ONES IN THEIR HEARTS AND LIVES FOREVER! WE ARE ONE AND ALWAYS WILL BE ONE! Life and death are intermingled with LOVE and PEACE for eternal.

I LOVE GOD, JESUS, BLESSED MOTHER, and my SON , PATRICK. BE HAPPY IN HEAVEN ALL OF YOU!

 
                                                                    


Hi, Son

As you already know, today was your three months Mass celebration. Monica, her sister, and your friend Steve and also Monica's mother were there. Steve, Kevin, Tina, Alyana; Braelynn, Elsa, Dion, Desiree, and Armani, and me, we were all there. Freddy had to work. I hope you were also at the Church celebrating your Mass with us. It was very emotional as usual. I have always felt happy and in peace in the Church, but since you left me, every time I go to Church I have those painful flashbacks of your funeral service, and they hurt me so much from missing you. Patrick, you did really change my whole life. Nothing feels the same anymore... I feel numb, different about life and every thing else.

After Church, I made some pasta and meatballs, one of your favorite meal. Everyone ate. I hope you were eating and spending time with us. I was also distributing some of your spring' winter jackets to family and friends. One of the red jackets, I put away for souvenir. Now everyone has something of you just  as I wanted. I don't want anyone to forget my wonderful son. I have saved one jacket for your best friend Ayo. I heard he will be here in December. Once in a while I ran into your friend Steve at Christmas Tree shop. I know I feel like a broken record, but what else can I do? I miss my son so much that it is smothering me from just thinking about you never mind missing you. I will never get over your passing and leaving me empty in this world. No one understand my anguish. Ok, Patrick, I am going to bed... well I am going to try to get some sleep as usual. See you in my dreams when you are ready. Please let me know you are happy and in peace. See you around my son. I love you and miss you immensely. Good night. I am sending you a blue love and kisses... your favorite color. May my love and my candles lit give you comfort, peace, and happiness forever.

                                    

                                             MY PRECIOUS ANGEL, YOU ARE LOVED ETERNALLY!!!
                                             

Hi, Patrick

This is another painful day without my son. Tomorrow would be your three months Mass celebration. It has been this long that you have gone to God and left me to go on my lonely journey. It has been three months without my son to yell at about the homework, and hearing your voice echoing into my mind with these polite words: " Go upstairs, you don't know what are you talking about? But to me, it feels an eternity I haven't seen my son. I don't know what to do, Patrick? I have no desire to do anything. I wish I could curl up on my bed until the pain goes away or you come back to me and wipe away this nightmare I have been living for the past three months, but I know life or the world with its problems would not let me. I have to face my pain, my reality that you are not coming back to me... but it does not mean I have to believe you are gone because I can't do it.

I think I told you about the Compassionate Friends that I had joined for lost parents. Last Tuesday was my third meeting with Steve. It's a very helpful place to be. We, lost parents, understand each other and feel one another pain, loss, anger, anguish, etc. At the end of the meeting before I leave, I grab some books about grieving, healing, heaven... and a lots of grieving articles I can get. I start reading them as soon I get home and I can't put them down.

In one article, the author said that until we are able to let go of our child physical death, we cannot embrace their spiritual essence. Another one mentioned that the farther she walks from her daughter's death, the closer she feels to her daughter. In addition, she said that if we allow our children to lead us to dance in the rain they will eventually dance us out of the severe storms of pain and into the sunshine of peace. I hope I will get that chance, that spirit, but right now I can't stop myself from crying, missing you, or being angry at myself and my great loss.

Oh my God, I read so many sad stories in these articles. Life is truly a place to endure all kind of sufferings and even loss. I hope you are really  in peace in Heaven. I just did not want to bury my child... I wanted it to be buried by my children. I guess I am a coward with death and pain. I just want you back so much that it aches deep into my soul. Is that bad? Does that make me look bad in God's eyes, in Jesus eyes, and Blessed Mother because of  my anger and lack of faith? I do believe in Heaven... I can't change what has happened to me, to you. I also know I am not the only mother who has lost a child, and unfortunately, I will not be the last lost mother because that just how life is.

Since I got you this website, I am reading now different memorial notices, anniversaries, all the time. There are so many pain out there in this world. Patrick, my beautiful son, loosing you does  it mean that God has spared my son from your pain in loosing a child or spouse? I don't know I can't read God's mind, but I can only read my own pain. I am lost without you. Please come to me and make me understand my loss and also you are all right... in peace. Most importantly stay with me until you come for me. Please watch over your brothers, sister, your nieces and nephew, and your father... and Monica. Make them feel your presence forever. My biggest fear is for my beloved son, Patrick, to be forgotten from this Earth. It will sincerely hurt me all over again as a new loss. Every thing is trivial now since I lost you. I know life is too short, but my world is spinning around me and I feel alone with my pain and lost. Enjoy your heavenly place as I hold you vibrantly and very much alive in my heart and life for an eternity.