I NEED YOU, SONHello, my Son
Patrick, yesterday I sat at the computer all day and night trying to work on your website. I hope you like your website, and you will be by my side to give me some great ideas and the focus to do well by you... as you can see it is still under construction.
Anyhow, I was out of luck in finding any good poems that could define your trait and my love for you, so I could put it on your site. Suddenly, some sweet and sad melodies of you were whispering in my ears and uttering in my thoughts... so I wrote a couple. Again I hope you like them. I also try to upload a World Warcraft trailer from Youtube onto your website, that didn't work either, but instead, the video found itself home right on your home page. As you already knew and still do, your mother is still trying to learn technology, the computer. But, I can't learn how to live without you. It is the saddest and hardest deed I have to do or endure. How can I go on with life with the piece of my womb missing? I have four sons who had cut my heart into four sections as well as my womb. And now that you are gone to Heaven so soon, what am I supposed to do with these two empty holes in my heart and in my womb? How will I ever fill the spaces?
Please, Patrick, stay close by me, in case I stumble because of my heart that is getting weaker by the moment from missing you so much. You can carry me in your arms and take me where you think I should be.
Every time my computer had giving me trouble, you used to come to my rescue and fix the problem. Where are you today? I need you and miss you. Last time, the internet went down, and no one could not find the problem or fix it. First, it was Freddy that had tried to fix the problem; then Kevin came to the rescue with no luck. Even Steve, the computer man, could not make the internet to work. Your magic wand that had always saved my day is gone with you. I missed those moments as much as I miss you.
When I used to yell at you about your education, you just politely said, " Go upstairs, you don't know what you are talking about?" Gosh, these words are still echoing in my ears, and I missed hearing them. You are the one son, you had never yelled at me back or screamed at me, or disrespected me.
Since you left me on that fated morning, your memories, those last unmerciful twenty four hours of your short life; our special moment in your bedroom, which you didn't get the chance to enjoy long enough... that memorable day in your bedroom I still see it so clearly, when we were watching and listening to Michael Jackson videos. All these sad and happy moments are constantly haunting my mind, thoughts day and night. These good and bad memories are intertwined in a repeat motion to my over-crowded mind alongside of your shadows... all these memories are again haunting me and piercing my heart. I would like to know and understand the purpose of my great loss, your life... a sweet life that was full of hopes and dreams for you and me, was unfairly cut short... why? Your father and your girlfriend, Monica and your brothers, Frederick, Kevin, especially, Steve who was looking for all three of his brothers to be his ushers on his wedding with Tina... they are all in disbelief with your brusque passing. Alyana missed you a lot. I hope you are looking at her picture frame of love for you every day at the cemetery. It's too bad Braelynn is too young to remember her great uncle. But I hope and wish Steve would be a great coach for that wonderful deed.
My mother said that you can see us, but we can't see you. I hope it's true, so when you see me doing something wrong or say it unknowingly, you will stop me and redirect me. Since you left me, I am out of focus, strength, and lack of will to do anything. I want to be a great person, mother, grand-mother, etc... I hope I am. My greatest wish, is to accomplish my deed before I join you... to help the world. I know charity, philanthropy, is the way to win the road to Heaven. So when my work is done here, with the grace of God, Jesus, and Blessed mother, you can come for me. Death is not a fear to me anymore. Life is unsure, but death is certain, as Jesus, is certainly the Eucharist... the body of Christ, Blessed Mother is Our mother, and God is Our Creator... and you are certainly forever in my heart.