Patrick Christian Barbosa

                                           MY BROKEN HEART

One unfortunate and unforgettable day, I sent my son, Patrick to get medical help... they said that doctor knows best. But I did not know, I was sending  my son into the jaw of death without a warning or a chance to say goodbye. What a sorrowful guilt I am feeling today?

Oh, God, lift up my broken heart. Take me away from my pain. No prayer, no pain med, no sleeping pill, no antidepressant med can take away my broken heart but my Patrick back in my life.
Oh God, lift up my broken heart silently. I am helpless in this world.
No one understands my pain, my agony, my loss, or my broken heart.

One fated morning, a day of deep sorrow, of shock, has numb me with no feeling for life, as I touched my cold, pale, and lifeless son in bed. Suddenly, my hope and dreams for Patrick have turned into a nightmare with no hope of waking up.
In the midst of desperation, I tried to revive my lifeless son and pleaded for a miracle, as I frantically was giving him mouth to mouth breathing while he was laying on the floor with no life.
I have no idea how I survived that traumatic experience, but it left a stigma in my mind and heart as a martyr.


Oh God, lift up my broken heart. Take me away from my pain. No prayer, no pain med, no sleeping pill, no antidepressant med can take away my broken heart but my Patrick back in my life.
Oh God, lift up my broken heart silently. I am helpless in this world.
No one understands my pain, my agony, my loss, or my broken heart.

My shattered life spins like a vicious storm into an unknown and empty journey.
Along with the images of the last twenty-four hours of my poor son's life that are echoing in my mind, in my still heart.
A journey of sorrow, anger, pain, disbelief; regret, nightmare, and guilt, is now smothering me.
Silently, the tormented days, the sleepless nights, are pulling me into my own world of trials and tribulations from my fated life. Do I deserve this fate?
 As my agony deepens, I slowly hibernate myself into a trend of fantasy for just a reflection of my son, to feel a little life, and to ease my misery.
Because one traumatic loss, one agony has shifted my broken heart into an uncontrollable catatonic mother.
My poor heart only needed one loss of a child to completely disconnect me from life.

Oh God, lift up  my broken heart. Take me away from my pain. No prayer, no pain med, no sleeping pill, no antidepressant med can take away my broken heart but my Patrick back in my life.
Oh God, lift up my broken heart silently. I am helpless in this world.
No one understands my pain, my agony, my loss, or my broken heart.

                                                                      GISELE G BARBOSA

    Dedicated to my son, Patrick          

                        SHATTERED HOPES AND DREAMS

 Patrick, my quiet and beloved son, I had a brief glance at you in the midst of the night alive, when you knocked at my door for help, and by the morning I found you listless in bed. In despair, fear, I pleaded to God to help my son, as I pushed away my torturous thoughts of my worst fears. But little did I know that the unthinkable truth but never a reality in my soul, has already hit down on my path without any warning, and left me numb, confused, and hopeless about what's ahead of me. Today, I have realized that life is really a mystery, and death is our factual journey that no one can't escape: rich, poor, young, old; good or bad, we will all take turn in suffering in one form or the other, and  the inevitable death will be right beside our mortal suffering.

Today, again, a mother's hope and dreams to see her son's future blossoms, are shattered with one stroke of that inevitable and cruel robber of life, "death." This is one word, I was always afraid to utter or think when it comes to my children; in addition, to darkness, and cemetery. Hopeless and helpless as I am today, I am taking these fears silently, along an unknown journey with you in my heart, mind, soul, and my life, since I am unable to imagine or believe my unexpected, unfair loss. I am walking in a trance along the motion of emptiness, disbelief... wherever the wind of reality, kindness, and God take me...

I still have four beautiful sons alive in my heart and soul forever... and one day, my spirit will embrace proudly my four sons with me as it reaches our eternal home.
Michael Jackson said, "Why you wanna trip on me?" And I am saying, " Patrick, why did you leave me so soon?" Why? Please God, help me understand. I love you, my son and miss you eternally. 
                                                                   
                                                                    Gisele G Barbosa

 Dedicated to my son, Patrick

                                                     MY ANGEL SON

You are now under the love of God in Heaven
Your wings of kindness, sweetness are spreading over
His Holy home among the other Angels and Saints
Jesus and Blessed Mother have a great idea for their
New angel, they have called home
Your mother's tears along her tormented journey of grief
Will be uplifted by the love of God when the time comes

Please, Son, don't disturb your eternal and joyful resting
Place with your mother's tears, sadness, or pain
I am just missing my loving son so much, and I am
Longing for your presence.
The puzzle of my life is broken but my love for you is
Always safe in my heart
A mother and child bond never dies
This is an equation of a motherly love... Your mother.

Gisele G Barbosa

    Dedicated to my loving son, Patrick

                                      PERMISSION TO MOURN

     Is hereby entitled to publicly acknowledge his/her loss, mourn openly,
      to share narratives of the loss,

       and to recruit social support in his/her own way and time, without apology
       or embarrassment.
      
       Tears, memories, silence, uncertainty, and strong emotions are hereby
        enfranchised.
      
       Please treat this griever with kindness, compassion, and love.

                 This certificate has no expiration date.

                                                   JOHN LECOMPTE from the Grieving Garden

                                           A TWIST OF FATE 

            Patrick, you came into my world like a butterfly with a time frame
           You cuddled into my life with love, joy, respect, and wisdom
            In one twisted moment of fate, denial and pain crept in my soul
            as you move far away in the Garden of Eden as a fallen angel
            Eternal life belongs to you now with Jesus
            But you are never too far from my heart and soul
            As our mother-son bond continues beyond Universe
            Because a true love of a mother goes beyond life

             Your sweet and young life was shorten before you were ready
              My life faded as dreams and fantasy filled in the empty space
              along my dreadful journey of a once promising land of hopes
              Tears and sorrows settled in a new land of broken dreams and hopes
               Life is changed drastically as never before thought
               Wearily in my grief, I became a lost mother
               Who is to blame for?
               What's a future hold for a lost mother?

               
                                                                       Gisele G Barbosa

Dedicated to my beloved son, Patrick

                                                       Grieving
                                
                              I am running out of words to describe my loss
                               I am running out of strength to restraint my anger
                                I am too weak to hold back my pain, my tears
                                 I am too shattered to hope for comfort
                                 I am just lost for spiritual growth
                                 I am too victimized to believe in After- life
                                 I am just crushed and overwhelmed with my grief
                                 There is no enough word to spell a motherly pain
                                  This is what a cruel grief does to a mother

                                 But I will never be apart with my son's memories
                                  His Earth life is vibrant in my heart and soul
                                  His angelic life is a melody to my ears   
                                   His name is a chanting of my heartbeats
                                   My dreams are the symbols of my son's love 
                                   My prayers for my Angel are our sacred channel
                                   As I wish Patrick a joyful peace and glowing light
                                    Eternally.

                                                                              GISELE G BARBOSA

                                        MY BROKEN HEART

               If you think life goes on after loosing a child
              Are you the one whose soul is ripped apart
             Even so, can you see my broken heart, my shredded soul?
             Can you feel my pain, my anguish?
             
              If you think a broken heart can heal in time
              Then you don't understand the real feeling
              of loosing a child... my son is a part of me
              A broken heart can heal after a divorce
              A broken heart can heal after loosing a spouse
              A broken heart can heal after loosing a parent or both
               But a broken heart can't heal after loosing a child
               Because, my undying love for my son, my helpless mind, 
               the guilt, the "Why me?" Why my son?" 
               will not let me understand or accept my great loss
              
                The denial is shield with my loss
                My broken heart is now a dead one
                One needs to believe and accept the loss
                of a child to begin healing
                I can't believe my loss
                I can't control my pain, my weeping

                 All I can do is shield myself behind a wall
                  to escape the world that is draining me dry
                   as another life begins to spin into a spiral
                   of images, fantasies...

                                                                       GISELE G BARBOSA

TO MY LOVING SON PATRICK

                                   LONGING YOUR PRESENCE

                                         COME CLOSE TO ME AND SEE MY LONELINESS
                                         STAY CLOSE TO ME AND FEEL MY SORROW
                                         COME CLOSE TO ME AND TOUCH MY MISTY EYES
                                         STAY CLOSE TO ME AND COMFORT MY PAIN
                                         COME CLOSE TO ME AND LIFT UP MY MISFORTUNE
                                         STAY CLOSE TO ME AND REJOICE MY LIFE
                                         COME CLOSE TO ME AND FEED MY FAITH
                                         STAY CLOSE TO ME AND EMBRACE ME ETERNALLY
                                          THIS IS MY WISH FROM MISSING YOU TREMENDOUSLY
                                          MY LOVE FOR YOU AND GRIEF WALK PARALLEL
                                          ALONG A MISERABLE JOURNEY I CAN'T ACCEPT
                                          BECAUSE MY HEART IS LONGING FOR MY SON DEARLY



                                                                                                           GISELE G BARBOSA
To my loving son, PATRICK

                                                     A WISH

                         If I had one wish to be granted, I wish God brings you back to me.
                        If I knew you would leave me so soon, I would spend every moment of
                        my life with you and leave my worries to God.
                        If I knew your life was in danger, I would not trust another human
                        being with your health.
                        If I knew God was looking for an angel, I would trade my life

                         If I know I will meet you in Heaven, I will join you
                         But I believe in God and trust Him to help me and you
                         With my sorrow to embrace, I will take one breath at the time
                         Your mother is just a lost sinner trying to fight the devil for you
                         I need to meet my son again; I am struggling to obey God's law.
                         I can't walk this journey of grief alone; for this pain is too grave
                         I need help to fight my thoughts because I love you and need you back in Heaven.

                                                                                     
                                                                                                   Gisele G Barbosa
To my loving son, Patrick