Patrick Christian Barbosa

 Good evening, Patrick

I got this poem from the book I just finished reading, "The Grieving Garden." This is the certificate for all mourners in this planet.  Loosing a child is the worst nightmare any parent could never imagine it would happen. I hope and pray I don't hear or see any parent going through this unthinkable nightmare and anguish. A mother should never bury a child... but life is just as it is, life, which is guided by fate. We poor mothers have no control to protect our children from the silent thief, "death," but we should have control in our own grief. I love you, Patrick. I miss you with every breath I take.


                                                 PERMISSION TO MOURN
     Is hereby entitled to publicly acknowledge his/her loss, mourn openly,
      to share narratives of the loss,

       and to recruit social support in his/her own way and time, without apology
       or embarrassment.
      
       Tears, memories, silence, uncertainty, and strong emotions are hereby
        enfranchised.
      
       Please treat this griever with kindness, compassion, and love.

                 This certificate has no expiration date.

                                                   JOHN LECOMPTE from the Grieving Garden



                 

 

Have you ever thought of heaven and how it will be up there.
Brushing elbows with Jesus Christ, as his hospitality you do share.
Have you ever thought of heaven, with it's streets all paved in gold, that reflects the Greatest Story ever told.
Have you ever thought of heaven and all the joy we will share.
There will be no room for hate and violence, to clutter up the air.
Have you ever thought of heaven and the special love that will be there
and the glorious reunion with our loved one's, that have gone ahead, to help prepare.
Yes, I have thought of heaven and the streets all paved in gold
and long to participate in the final act of the Greatest Story ever told.

                                                                          MY ANGEL SON

You are now under the love of God in Heaven
Your wings of kindness, sweetness are spreading over
His Holy home among the other Angels and Saints
Jesus and Blessed Mother have a great idea for their
New angel, they have called home
Your mother's tears along her tormented journey of grief
Will be uplifted by the love of God when the time comes

Please, Son, don't disturb your eternal and joyful resting
Place with your mother's tears, sadness, or pain
I am just missing my loving son so much, and I am
Longing for your presence.
The puzzle of my life is broken but my love for you is
Always safe in my heart
A mother and child bond never dies
This is an equation of a motherly love... Your mother.

Gisele G Barbosa

    Dedicated to my loving son, Patrick

 

   
  I know death is for everyone on this Earth
  I know life is not permanent on this Earth
  I know life can be a short mystery and destiny is uncertain
  But, do our birthday really intertwine with our death day
  Should a mother experience that twisted and painful connection

  Patrick, why did you leave me
  My son, you were in the beginning of the fruits of your life
  My son, why do only good people have to go so soon
  Patrick, why the world is so unfair

  The sun was bright, the weather was hot outside, on a typical morning on July 15, 2009
 Inside a family home, the time was changed into an unforgettable day
The bright morning was shifted into darkness
The worst imaginable pain landed into my heart forever
My lifeline was changed brusquely

Patrick, why did you leave me
My son, you were in the beginning of the fruits of your life
My son, why do only good people have to go so soon
Patrick, why the world is so unfair

  You have three other children to live for
   I know a mother who lost two daughters and her mother the same day
   Another mother lost two children eight days apart
   Another mother practically witnessed her son's murder with his screams
    Your son passed away in his sleep on his own bed
    Don't challenge God... He is our creator
    Don't be angry at God or anyone else... it's his fate
    There are worst deaths... from wars, fires, or floods
     Some  people are killed by terrorists or predators
     Others are swept away by the ocean with no bodies... you have a closure
      Are you kidding me? There will be no closure to my grief for loosing my son,
      Patrick
    I am smothered with comments piercing my heartache, my helpless mind
   Put away his pictures, it will only hurt you
   Don't weep, it will hurt him
   Don't weep, your tears will drench him
  Don't cry, he is in a better place
  Are you still crying for your loss 
  You will get over your loss in a year... life goes on
  You are not the only one who has lost a child
   I don't wish to be on your shoes
   If you don't take your medications, I don't feel sorry for you 
   My life is changed unexpectedly and traumatically
    My heart is shattered into pieces
   Should a lost mother understand these philosophies, mystic, or thoughtless comments.

  Patrick, why did you leave me
  My son, you were in the beginning of the fruits of your life
  My son, why do only good people have to go so soon
  Patrick, why the world is so unfair

  The world was not built in one day
   Rome was not built in a day
   There is no moral or expected time for grieving
   There is no boundary in grieving
   Each individual comes with his flaws or righteousness
   Everyone reaches his fate differently
   Each mother, grieves a loss of a child in her own way and pain
   I have lost my love, my precious son
   My laughter, smile, and jokes have joined my heartache
   My endless road of sorrow will rekindle my yearning hope with the grace of   God not human being crushing words

Patrick, why did you leave me
My son, you were in the beginning of the fruits of your life
 My son, why do only good people have to go so soon
Patrick, why the world is so unfair     

                                                                       GISELE G BARBOSA

Dedicated to my son, Patrick

 

 

                     THE MARTYR OF LOVE AND LOSS OF MY SON

   The love for my son, Patrick, began the moment I found out I was pregnant.
   At five months pregnant, I could not do any house chore, because the pressure of the fetus was unbearable on my womb but acceptable for the undying love of my unborn child.
 July 17, 1988, at 5:20 in the morning, a healthy, big, and cute baby boy was born exactly 9 lb, at Women $ Infant hospital. I named my baby, Patrick Christian Barbosa after the actor, Patrick Swaze, because I was so fond of him and his talent.
Patrick was a quiet baby, an active child, and again back to a quiet, shy, friendly adolescent.
On July, 15, 2009, at around 11: 00 in the morning, my beautiful Patrick passed away in his sleep without a warning after a wonderful journey of twenty short years of his life.
I am left behind in shock, in despair for longing my son and understand my horrible loss.
Believe me when I say my heart won't let me go of my pain and suffering since God called my son home.
I know sometimes, people insensitivity may mean well, but their words still cut deep into my broken heart and weaken it even more as I shed uncontrollable sad tears.

No one understand my love for my son Patrick or my unforgettable loss... even a mother herself.
My love for my son, is unexplainable, unimaginable, unconditionally beyond all the virtue of true love.
Now, imagine me with that same feeling of loss...
It's unthinkable, unspeakable, intolerable beyond all the virtue of hope to get past the reality and the faith that God, Our Creator, knows best.
 Now I pray and pray for Patrick and me and for my thoughts good or bad.
I cry and cry for my great loss, my broken heart; my longing for my beloved son Patrick
I hope and wish to see my son just once and tell him I love and miss him so much beyond words and life itself.
Until we meet, Patrick, rest in peace eternally in Heaven.
As you were an angel on Earth, your wings will now spread bigger in Heaven and upon the blue sky... your favorite color
 Please watch over your family and help me heal and be in peace.
     
                                                                     GISELE G BARBOSA

Dedicated to my son, Patrick

   One unfortunate and unforgettable day, I sent my son, Patrick to get medical help... they said that doctor knows best. But I did not know, I was sending  my son into the jaw of death without a warning or a chance to say goodbye. What a sorrowful guilt I am feeling today?

Oh, God, lift up my broken heart. Take me away from my pain. No prayer, no pain med, no sleeping pill, no antidepressant med can take away my broken heart but my Patrick back in my life.
Oh God, lift up my broken heart silently. I am helpless in this world.
No one understands my pain, my agony, my loss, or my broken heart.

One fated morning, a day of deep sorrow, of shock, has numb me with no feeling for life, as I touched my cold, pale, and lifeless son in bed. Suddenly, my hope and dreams for Patrick have turned into a nightmare with no hope of waking up.
In the midst of desperation, I tried to revive my lifeless son and pleaded for a miracle, as I frantically was giving him mouth to mouth breathing while he was laying on the floor with no life.
I have no idea how I survived that traumatic experience, but it left a stigma in my mind and heart as a martyr.


Oh God, lift up my broken heart. Take me away from my pain. No prayer, no pain med, no sleeping pill, no antidepressant med can take away my broken heart but my Patrick back in my life.
Oh God, lift up my broken heart silently. I am helpless in this world.
No one understands my pain, my agony, my loss, or my broken heart.

My shattered life spins like a vicious storm into an unknown and empty journey.
Along with the images of the last twenty-four hours of my poor son's life that are echoing in my mind, in my still heart.
A journey of sorrow, anger, pain, disbelief; regret, nightmare, and guilt, is now smothering me.
Silently, the tormented days, the sleepless nights, are pulling me into my own world of trials and tribulations from my fated life. Do I deserve this fate?
 As my agony deepens, I slowly hibernate myself into a trend of fantasy for just a reflection of my son, to feel a little life, and to ease my misery.
Because one traumatic loss, one agony has shifted my broken heart into an uncontrollable catatonic mother.
My poor heart only needed one loss of a child to completely disconnect me from life.

Oh God, lift up  my broken heart. Take me away from my pain. No prayer, no pain med, no sleeping pill, no antidepressant med can take away my broken heart but my Patrick back in my life.
Oh God, lift up my broken heart silently. I am helpless in this world.
No one understands my pain, my agony, my loss, or my broken heart.

                                                                      GISELE G BARBOSA

    Dedicated to my son, Patrick          


                                              

  Patrick, my quiet and beloved son, I had a brief glance at you in the midst of the night alive, when you knocked at my door for help, and by the morning I found you listless in bed. In despair, fear, I pleaded to God to help my son, as I pushed away my torturous thoughts of my worst fears. But little did I know that the unthinkable truth but never a reality in my soul, has already hit down on my path without any warning, and left me numb, confused, and hopeless about what's ahead of me. Today, I have realized that life is really a mystery, and death is our factual journey that no one can't escape: rich, poor, young, old; good or bad, we will all take turn in suffering in one form or the other, and  the inevitable death will be right beside our mortal suffering.

Today, again, a mother's hope and dreams to see her son's future blossoms, are shattered with one stroke of that inevitable and cruel robber of life, "death." This is one word, I was always afraid to utter or think when it comes to my children; in addition, to darkness, and cemetery. Hopeless and helpless as I am today, I am taking these fears silently, along an unknown journey with you in my heart, mind, soul, and my life, since I am unable to imagine or believe my unexpected, unfair loss. I am walking in a trance along the motion of emptiness, disbelief... wherever the wind of reality, kindness, and God take me...

I still have four beautiful sons alive in my heart and soul forever... and one day, my spirit will embrace proudly my four sons with me as it reaches our eternal home.
Michael Jackson said, "Why you wanna trip on me?" And I am saying, " Patrick, why did you leave me so soon?" Why? Please God, help me understand. I love you, my son and miss you eternally. 
                                                                   
                                                                    Gisele G Barbosa

 Dedicated to my son, Patrick



   

  Just the thought in knowing my loss is real, aches.
  Just the thought in knowing I have only your memories to continue my lonesome journey, tortures me.  
  Just the thought of the dusk coming down, distresses me.
  Since your passing, darkness means another night without you.
 
  Just the thought of leaving you behind at the cemetery and driving home alone, agonizes  me.
  A mother should never bury  her child.
  Just the thought of coming home from the cemetery and seeing your red car in the driveway, and you are not home, frightens me.

But, your pictures that are in every corner of the house, on my  necklace, my key chain, in my car, and this unique picture of you that I carry with me and sleep with it, remind me that you are alive and safe in my heart.
Because Mom, will always keep you and your memories alive, until you and God come for me.

Just the thought in knowing you are an angel in Heaven, soothes me.
 Perhaps one great thought will overcome all the bad ones.
With God grace, I will continue my journey of grief with hope.

With you by my side, in my dreams, I will continue to pray for peace and healing.
But only, if I can feel, you are happy and in peace.
With God, Jesus, and Blessed Mother guarding my Patrick in Heaven, duskiness in my heart will fade.
Because you know I love you so much, and I know I miss you more than I can understand.
                                                                  GISELE G BARBOSA

Dedicated to my son, Patrick



      

                                            

I did not know your son had passed until I got the e-mail about this website.  I am so sorry to hear about this sad news.  Just know that you are in my thoughts and prayers.  Losing a child must be the worst thing to ever happen to a person in this or any other life.

Always
Bonnie